Let's set the stage.
Unfortunately, you're beefed out with one of your friends. Something happened between y'all months ago, and it planted a lil seed called conflict in your relationship.
Eventually, you may figure out that event caused the conflict, notice the blowback has soured other parts of your relationship, or even talk about the event with them.
That conflict, consciously or unconsciously, has a chokehold on y'all. You might argue frequently (or seemingly every time y'all talk), and the relationship isn't fun anymore.
Sounds terrible, right? What do you do?
Make a read.
In hoop, a "read" is a quick and strategic decision on how to move based on what’s happening on the court.
In relationships, a read is a strategic decision on how to move based on the context of the people we're in conflict with.
Here's what matters:
The options fall on a spectrum where, on one end, you don't quit at all, and on the other, you quit altogether.
The Reads: play through contact - let's talk about something else - take your ball and go home
Playing through contact in relationships means fully engaging with conflict instead of avoiding it.
This should be the default posture towards conflict. Relationships are a contact — or conflict— sport.
Make this read when all parties will be better off resolving the conflict and the emotional labor isn't prohibitively expensive.
If all people involved end up happier, healthier, and/or wealthier, then they're better off. But, if you'll put yourself out of commission (i.e., harm yourself permanently or temporarily) from the necessary conversations, self-reflection, etc., then the emotional labor is too expensive.
If you approach a conversation vulnerably, and someone who hates your guts, for example, calls you out your name, unfairly criticizes you, or otherwise abuses you, then banging your head against a brick wall isn’t the answer. Receiving the words during the conversation will hurt, your self-reflection could be poisoned with untrue feedback said in anger, and the aftermath of the conversation could be damaging. In those cases, make a different read.
I chose to play through contact with one of my friends about a year ago.
We were in conflict about how to spend time with each other in person. In that case, it was easy to choose to play through contact because of our history – I've known them for years – but the best gauge isn't how long you've known the person. It's simply if you want to continue developing a relationship with them and if you can do so without harm to yourself.
I wanted to spend time with them in person in the future, so I knew we'd be better off working through this.
"Let's talk about something else" is a middle-ground approach. Instead of banging your head against the wall trying to convince or get on the same page as someone, you drop it and change the subject.
This is the right read when the consequence(s) of disagreeing is low. You can think Bron is the greatest, and your person thinks Jordan is. Nobody's hurt. But "Let's talk about something else" isn't a solution for crossed boundaries, differences in y'all's values, or unmet needs.
A couple of years ago, I was getting into one of my patented arguments with a friend. They told me they’d be making a decision that was opposite from what I was doing, and I was riled up. I was on the opposite end of the argument and thought I knew what was best for them. I felt so strongly about this that I brought up the decision and debated it multiple times.
Eventually, I gave up. I quit arguing with this friend. I didn't think it then, but I was saying, "Let's talk about something else." I came to terms with something I knew was true from the jump: it was their decision, not mine.
It didn't matter if I thought it didn't make sense.
And there's something else that I didn't realize explicitly then. My friend's decision didn't impede on my needs or values.
Taking your ball and going home means reducing how you show up or removing yourself from a relationship entirely. It's quitting without compromise. Protecting your peace by taking yourself out the game.
Imagine kids playing, and one kid feels hurt. They feel like they're being mistreated. Or maybe they just don't like losing. Since they brought the ball, they tried to exert some control over the situation by taking the ball, which everyone needed to play the game and go home. Although childish in this context, this is taking your ball and going home.
Use this when your communicated boundaries have been breached, you're no longer safe, or someone's banging you, and there's no way to get out of it.
When your boundaries are breached, or someone has no genuine interest in working things out or doesn't care about you getting better, you should take your ball and go home. Block em.
In my young career, I've only pulled this out a handful of times. Sometimes with friends, others with romantic partners, and the rest with in-betweens.
One time, I had to remove myself after figuring out that every interaction I had with someone was putting me in the basket. Too many calls, texts, and in-person interactions upset me and hijacked my day. This person still hit my phone even after I backed off to avoid these interactions. Eventually, reasoning they weren't interested in working things out, I removed myself by blocking their phone number.
Another time, someone was going James Harden on me. The stonewalling, or ignoring me whenever I tried to play through contact, was putting me in the basket and becoming a communication barrier. I saw no path forward, not to mention how terrible the interaction made me feel, so I had to take my ball and go home.
If you take your ball and go home every time you get in conflict, you're probably making the wrong read.
Sometimes, you're quitting at a loss to yourself. You can't develop a conflict resolution bag if you never engage and work through conflict. You miss out on the experience & lessons of the game.
You can't get game-time experience from sitting on the bench.
Let's say every (involved) relationship experiences conflict. In that case, the way to maintain and strengthen relationships isn't to avoid conflict completely (although trying to avoid it can help). Long-lasting relationships endure, in part, because the people involved continuously show they can work through conflict.
You have to make this read continuously. Playing through contact could be the read today, while next week, you may need to bow out and protect your peace.
Real hoopers are prepared to play through contact but know when to quit.
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