Has someone ever promised to address a topic 'later,' only for that 'later' to stretch into eternity?
We've all encountered people going Ben Simmons, where important conversations and emotional work are conveniently and continuously avoided. Whether failing to address unresolved conflicts, moving in bad faith, or emotionally checking out of a relationship, these tendencies can strain connections and restrict personal growth.
In this one, we'll walk through what the phenomenon known as going Ben Simmons looks like, why it happens, and talk about how to overcome it.
Don't go Ben Simmons. Get back in the game or take your ball and go home.
Ben Simmons is a basketball player for the NBA's Brooklyn Nets who, when he entered the league, was compared to LeBron Raymond James due to his exceptional skills and athleticism.
He was never LeBron, but he had an impressive start to his career, winning the NBA Rookie of the Year award. Despite a career mired by injury, to this day, he has a decent bag and a lot of natural talent.
Recently, however, he's become known for his time away from the court, leading to fair and unfair criticisms and concerns about his commitment to the game.
Since his first season, Ben Simmon's numbers have remained stagnant, he still can't shoot at an average level, and there are concerns about his work ethic. Even though he’s in his prime, bro isn’t getting better.
In relationships, not working on your game means neglecting personal growth or failing to invest the necessary effort to improve yourself. You may see your people avoiding self-reflection, refusing to acknowledge their mistakes, or resisting change.
At the end of the '21-'22 season, after being medically cleared to play, he told media and teammates he'd suit up to help the Nets compete for a crucial playoff game, only to change his mind minutes before tipoff.
Earlier in the same season, Simmons' confidence was reportedly at an "all-time high." He was "walking around practice like he's Jordan." The Jordan we know would put his grandmother's life savings on a dice game in the locker room before a game just to get a taste of winning. Ben Simmons was passing the ball when he was wide open under the rim.
Finally, after intentionally sitting out to force a trade, Simmons fought to recover millions of dollars of his salary the team withheld when he wasn't playing.
In relationships, going Ben Simmons looks like regularly failing to follow up, empty promises, consistent contradiction, and moving in bad faith.
You might hear, "I'm not in the headspace to talk about that right now." If it's the first time, that's healthy; if it's every time, they may be going Ben Simmons. If someone's never in the headspace or tries to get in it, they might be avoiding.
In relationships, inconsistent communication, in the context of going Ben Simmons, looks like rarely following up on things they say they will do. It looks like wild mood swings in communication. Going from expressing high confidence and making grand claims to then shortly after displaying doubt or contradicting themselves.
Now I don't want us getting folks out the paint over not being perfect. Remember that lapses in communication can happen in any relationship.
In his last year with the 76ers, Simmons sat out games to force a trade from the team while also refusing contact with the organization.
Ben Simmons isn't the first nor the last player to hold out. James Harden, the player he was traded to the Nets for, had his fair share of holdout drama during his time with the Houston Rockets.
But going Ben Simmons takes it to another level. It's refusing to play and refusing to communicate about it.
In relationships, not playing looks like emotionally withdrawing or putting forth less effort than would be reasonably required to wholeheartedly participate in conflict resolution, improve emotionally, or be present in a relationship.
It's especially Ben Simmons of someone to hold out over a conflict they will not come to the table to talk about.
It can happen to anyone
None of us are immune from going Ben Simmons. But going Ben Simmons doesn't make you a bad person. Ben Simmons isn't a bad person; he just doesn't look like he wants to play basketball as much as other players. People aren't automatically evil because they don't re-initiate a difficult conversation with you or get better emotionally.
It's easier
Going Ben Simmons is the path of least resistance. Check out the physics: issues require solutions, and solutions require work. If it'll take work, the easiest thing to do is not do the work. It's natural to take the path of ease. People will do the easiest thing, but not always the right thing.
For Ben Simmons, it's easier to hold out instead of working on his jump shot or stepping away from basketball to focus on his mental blockers. It’s much easier to dress up to sit on the bench. It's much easier to talk about it.
In relationships, it's easier to avoid then it is to ask ourselves difficult questions, sit out while also accepting the consequences, and use managing minutes as a crutch.
At the top of her game, Naomi Osaka held a press conference to explain her decision to step away from tennis because of mental health. She prioritized her well-being by making a clean break while demonstrating courage and self-awareness.
We don't need to hold a press conference every time we need to step away from relationships. Still, we need to clearly and openly communicate when we need to step away from relationships, partially or entirely. Have the courage to know and tell someone when you want to take your ball and go home.
Regardless of the severity of his physical and mental injuries, it doesn't look like he wants to hoop. Before sitting out, Ben was pulling up to NBA practices with his phone in his pocket, refusing to wear a practice jersey, and claiming he didn't need to lift because he was already strong.
Acting in good faith with our people can start by looking the part. We can try actively listening, following through on small commitments, and taking accountability. Emphasis on the source: it has to be genuine. If this sounds like too much, we have to consider going back to step one and go Naomi.
Keith Matier, my classmate and fellow employer of hoop analogy, said the following about Ben:
"Ben Simmons decided to sit out an entire NBA season after making the wrong play in a pivotal playoff game. Throughout the subsequent season, he cited mental health and experiencing a ‘mental block’ as reasons he could not play.
Simmons has, objectively speaking, been crushed by failure."
Keith's solution is going antifragile.
Becoming antifragile–the ability to become stronger from adversity– can help you build a deeper emotional and relational bag. We can embrace conflict when it comes, reframe accountability as an opportunity for growth, and make quick, necessary changes to our relationships rather than avoiding them.
When we do these things consistently, we'll develop a positive feedback loop: tough problems require tough solutions, which require building a bag. When we have the right bag, learning new, healthier ways of connecting to our people doesn’t just become easier, it can become enjoyable.
.svg)
