In the last article, I introduced how the systems and tools used to maintain relationships only work well if you start with a solid foundation. I've found that the three most important practices to build this foundation are gratitude, reflection, and introspection. Each of these creates intentionality which enables genuine interactions.This time around, I'm focusing on gratitude. It's a lifehack: it's relatively easy to build into a routine and hard to get too much of.
Regularly expressing gratitude for what you have can improve your health, relationships, and happiness.
You can start right now by texting one person that you're grateful for something specific they've done for you.
In the last article, I introduced how the systems and tools used to maintain relationships only work well if you start with a solid foundation. I've found that the three most important practices to build this foundation are gratitude, reflection, and introspection. Each of these creates intentionality which enables genuine interactions.
This time around, I'm focusing on gratitude. It's a lifehack: it's relatively easy to build into a routine and hard to get too much of.
Gratitude is "the expression of appreciation for what one has". Simple, right? We can break this down into two key concepts: appreciation and expression.
There will always be someone more fortunate or better than us in some aspect of our lives; but at the same time, there will always be something we can be grateful for. This is the Glass Half Full principle.
Another way to think about it is "Coulda been worse". There's a joke from Ghost of Davy Crockett x Dap 'Sugar' Willie that's sampled at the end of Palmolive x Freddie Gibbs, Pusha T, and Killer Mike that solidified this concept for me:
I think about and reference nearly every time I practice gratitude.
Expression, in general, can take many forms. The expression of appreciation is no different. It can be written, auditory, visual, public, private, or anywhere in between. Often, what works for you may shift depending on the context or may manifest as a combination of these characteristics.
One of my favorite expressions of gratitude is Outro x Lupe Fiasco on Food & Liquor. Putting together a studio album takes a tremendous amount of work and contributions from many different people; Lupe spends 12 minutes on the way out of a classic project publicly thanking everyone who made its production possible.
For me, listening to this track is like watching a hoop mixtape. Every line is like a highlight play from an athlete operating at the highest level. It makes me want to get out there and be better.
Practicing gratitude can improve your health, happiness, and relationships.
Gratitude won’t solve every ailment. Furthermore, practiced blindly, can create more issues.
The danger zone of gratitude is if we let it erode our desire and right to work towards something better.
In the Knowledge Project Podcast episode "Kat Cole: The Power of Possible", Focus Brands CEO Kat Cole calls this the "dark side of gratitude".
sometimes we can be so humble, so grateful for what we have that we forget that we have the right and in the case of being a leader or apparent the responsibility to work toward something better.
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Growing up with a relatively comfortable, cushy lifestyle made possible by an alcoholic father, Kat asked her mother why she put up with the situation for so long. The answer was gratitude; her mother was so grateful to have a nice house and the ability to afford holiday gifts that the bad associated with alcoholism seemed like a small price to pay.
In these conflicting situations, it’s important to remember that gratitude, accountability, and striving for better are not incompatible. You can appreciate something or a situation and critique it at the same time.
Now that we know about the benefits and dangers of gratitude, what does it have to do with relationships? When you regularly express, record, and share your appreciation, you create a forcing function for serendipitous interactions, generate good vibes, and show love.
Practicing gratitude can force you to think of people. Reflecting on what and who you appreciate makes you think of people you interact with. This goes for folks that make your day-to-day possible as well as those who have left a lasting impact on you. The more people you share your gratitude with, the more interactions you'll have.
That food delivery someone just brought to your door? Send a tip and, equally as important, send a personalized note expressing your thanks.
A friend let you crash on the couch for a weekend? Send them a voice message telling them how they made your trip possible and offer to let them stay with you in the future.
A lesson from childhood finally kicked in? Call the parent/guardian/loved one and tell them you're grateful for their guidance.
Practicing gratitude can put you in a good mood, which is more important than we think when interacting with people. It's important to remember that:
When two people interact, the direction of mood transfer is from the one who is more forceful in expressing feelings to the one who is more passive. (Location 2475)
Your positivity, generated via gratitude, can be contagious.
For all the love language practitioners out there, expressing gratitude helps you carry out acts of service and words of affirmation.
You can express your appreciation for something someone' done for you by completing a chore they hate but you don't mind for them.
You can affirm a loved one by calling, texting, writing a letter, or sharing publicly that you're grateful for that person.
Remember, "it don't cost nothin to show love"
In the next article, we'll get more tactical. I'll walk you through how I've practiced gratitude in the past and how I currently do it.
Until then, text one person that you're grateful for something specific they've done for you!
Here's a few more exemplary expressions of appreciation.
S/o Dave for pointing this one out.
This book is about Minimalism, specifically minimizing physical things in our spaces. There's a passage where the author goes on for an entire page about what he's grateful for. Minimalism is a means to becoming more grateful and while I don't talk about it here, Goodbye, Things is worth the read.
I think about this one often.
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